I am high. Not sober and writing about "thinking and writing while high" as a subject.
I'm funny when high huh?
My thought was this, "Relaxing is a thing to do too."
I've been beating myself up, as I always have, about my non-productivity. I haven't gotten to the things I want to get to. I spent 2 years in a surreal state of existence. Now I gotta shake it off and start forward yet again, even with no goal or hope in sight. Just gotta do it because it's all I can do.
I complain that I'm tired, but am I? Have I lost momentum and fallen into a slump.
But then I think of capybara. They just chill.
I think the troubles of the world is mostly caused by our basic, animal natures just trying to figure out how to feel in this utterly artificial environment. Ignoring the inner monkey is unhealthy. But so is letting the monkey take the wheel and believe every intuitive feeling you have is absolute truth.
I bet most hominin were chill. Like between animal and contemporary human.
We often look at chimps because they're the closest relative. But "close" is a relative term. It's still a freaking creature. Looking at all the other primates, they're pretty chill for the most part. They're not all "rip your face off for no reason." Most of them are violent for a very good reason. Think about how you feel if there's a bug in your room. Or a random rat living with you inside your house. Doesn't make you comfortable does it? Imagine if it was like a naked mole rat that was like 4ft tall. Yeah you're gonna be like "Oh GOD WHAT!?"
Anyway, the point is most creatures chill when they can. They lie around, munch of leaves and fruit and stuff. Humans were smart, so you know they knew how to get by comfortably by animal standards. So I'll bet they had periods in their lives when they could just lie around and rest. And they do it like it's a thing to do.
Okay, I've gone off the rails. Let's try straight forward.
I can do nothing.
Okay, new day, I'm sober now.
I think what I was trying to say is that there's no reason for me to be stressed about not achieving. I don't even know where I got this over-inflated sense of ambition. I used to just work and that was enough. I was a technician. A job needed to be done and most people didn't know how to do it. I was handy, smart and flexible enough to walk into whatever situation and make things better and that was enough.
I think it's Trump's fault.
I was fine doing nothing significant. Then he became president. Someone that gallingly stupid. A "politician" who can't be corrupted because he IS corruption. And 80 million of the richest people on the planet voted for him. People who have access to education and all the information of the internet. And they all think, "Yeah, that's the best representative of humanity's interests."
I am so much better than Trump by every objective metric except nepotism.
So I figure I gotta prove it. I've got brain power. I can do math and understand computers to a level most people can't (or won't). Surely, I gotta do something with that!
But in the end,
A) There's nothing I can do because I'm not connected or absurdly wealthy.
That seems like a cop out, but no matter how I look at it, it's true. Even if I'm an ace at building robots and hacking, what exactly can I do? Some of the biggest achievements in technology are basic exercises to a professional. Twitter is extremely easy to make, but that doesn't mean knowing how to make it will earn you a billion dollars. At some point you need a team, mostly for marketing but also to push development up to a higher level so it isn't just one of a million products/services that just anyone can make. I can bust my ass for years and get absolutely nowhere. So why the hell do I think I should be something more than I am?
B) Why do I feel like I should achieve anything?
No one expects anything of me. No one cares or will celebrate if I'm successful. The vast, vast, vast majority of humans don't really achieve anything. It's totally normal for people to live empty lives. I'd even go so far as to say that's the standard.
Soap Operas are the most watched media and have been the most watched media throughout time. Their success comes from volume. And the stories they tell are serial, so to get the maximum viewing experience, you have to consume them regularly. The point I'm making is that people piss away hours every day watching trash that is devoid of anything intellectually stimulating. They eat junk food without being hungry. They live like this for the lion's share of their lives. So why do I gotta be so hard on myself in the name of being a productive member of society. What's society ever done for me? Ostracize me? Demand I work at meaningless tasks to make money to pay rent so I can sleep indoors? Gee thanks society, I really feel like I owe you for consuming years of my life.
When did I become so arrogant?
In my younger days, I would work hard because I had a sense that I was "useless." This was the single most defining feature of my self identity.
So I worked hard. Then I noticed I was surpassing people around me. Every job I've had, at some point, on various occasions, I was told to work less. Slow down. Waste time.
Somewhere along the lines I started to feel superior. I just understood more than my coworkers. I'd work for six months somewhere and suddenly there were guys with decades of experience coming to me for advice. My ego got inflated by how easy work was.
So I must have thought this was a problem. I must have decided that if I'm not challenged, I'm not doing enough. I'm not using myself to my maximum capacity. So I find harder paths.
Then I feel, meeting greater challenges should yield greater rewards. That's where it all breaks down. The world is not a meritocracy. No one cares if you do the hard work no one else can/will do.
You know paramedics make little more than minimum wage most of the time? Like when they're not on a call, they get a base salary that is not impressive despite the traumatic nature of their work and the necessity of it and the training required. I'll bet some suit-wearing desk man who's technically in charge of the ambulance system makes so much money it isn't describe as a salary and maybe does 3 hours of work each week that any literate person can do.
At the end of the day, I want to save the world. I want to make things better for everyone. But the world doesn't want it. It doesn't want me. It just wants to do what it's done traditionally, no matter how self-destructive.
I wish I could just give up.
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