Roll on the day when I am able to take a rope and my brain does not immediately dump the relevant learning required for any chance of success. Possibly in preparation for flight or perhaps it is gearing up for a fight? I once compared it to a kid's magnetic sketch toy – the sort that you scribble on and then swipe and, miraculously, the slate is wiped clean.
How and why does the total wipe-out happen? Once I yield up the rope, the information is accessible again but securely locked in a box marked "No Entry" when I actually need it. The feeling of our mind going blank under stress happens when hormones flood our systems and disrupt neuronal activity and normal brain patterns. The resulting brain fog can cause an individual to be unable to access information that they "know". It is a normal neuro-cognitive phenomenon and can also occur when the brain is over-loaded. The combination of anxiety and over-load can result in spectacular cluelessness. I have been known to be unable to count to three when under the influence of excessive cortisol- genuinely stuck to remember what comes after 1. Bell ringing is the only activity that has ever caused this condition in my brain, other than attempting to order a meal in French under the superior gaze of a snotty French waiter.
It feels most unfair because it makes me look like an utter fool. "I think I know how to ring "X"" I announce. "Please may I try?"
Naturally, people want to give me a chance, or perhaps they just enjoy the exhibition that is about to take place. They have seen it before and doubt is written all over their faces. I resolve to prove them wrong, This time I really know this shit. I take the rope and, almost immediately, I do not know anything. My brain is a cognitive wasteland. I may have spent hours working on it, practising it, visualising it. I may understand the pattern and the theory and be able to explain to another person what to do. However, once a rope is in my hand, 12 pairs of expectant eyes are turned in my direction, all that learning, that I thought was secure, is inaccessible. What is more, the fact that it disappears so easily makes me feel most discombobulated, because I know that I know which bell takes me off the lead but, for the life of me, I cannot remember and that is a deeply unsettling experience. One starts to mistrust one's own brain. If it can dump something so simple, what else is my brain allowing to leak through its synapses like a sieve?
The ringing begins and I am all over the place. Someone shouts "dodge" and that makes it worse because I stop even trying to retrieve the learning that seems to be shyly hiding somewhere, and crash about in a panic. "Dodge? Now what does that mean - I speed up ? I slow down? This stroke, next stroke, the last stroke? " It is a hopeless mess. The ringing stops. I have proved that I cannot ring "X". I do not even know what "dodge" means, let alone am able to execute one.
It seems to be a regular occurrence. I have all the theory in my head, just ready to burst into ringing, yet hand me a rope and I scarcely have rounds. I suspect that there is a chicken and egg thing going on here. Once I can transfer the theory to practice and gain some confidence I should be OK, but to make that transfer requires some crashing about and some kinaesthetic learning. There is rarely the time and space to flounder around, make mistakes, correct mistakes, begin to "feel" what is required rather than know in theory what is required. You get your shot at "X", muck up in spectacular fashion, confirm everyone's suspicion that you really are an idiot and that is your opportunity for the week. You are no further on. In some ways you have taken a step back because each time it happens, you trust yourself a little less and become more anxious.
The only solution that I can see for someone like me is carefully targeted practices. Thank goodness that the Mancroft Ringing Discovery Centre offers some, else I would give up on methods altogether as just too difficult and frustrating.
I really do not want my brain getting in to the habit of dumping information whenever it feels under stress. Where might it all end? Keys in the freezer, car mislaid in the car park and mustard in the apple tart - that's where.
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