It's 2023 Everybody!

Feminina O'Ladybrain

Jan 3

I don't know if that's good or not. No spoilers, though.

Butch:

What's going on? Where am I? Who are you?

Feminina:

I don't know. What is computer? Why are my eyes staring at this flat thing?

How many cookies did I manage to eat over the last week or so?

I'm making ramen and hard boiled eggs tonight, though. That's my level of energy, and anyway, they like ramen now and then.

And I know the health-conscious people are all "if you don't use the sauce packet because it's got too much sodium, and put a bunch of vegetables on it, it's practically good for you!"

Me: "the sauce is what makes it taste good, and if I put vegetables on it the kids won't eat it, so they can just have some sodium."

It's cool. It's a fancier (more expensive) brand than the classic 5/$1 Top Ramen we used to eat, and I can't decide if that's because I have more sophisticated tastes now, or just because I think I SHOULD have more sophisticated tastes now.

If I really think about it, it's probably largely because all the good Top Ramen flavors are meat-based. Even though there's probably homeopathic levels of actual meat in them, if that.

Butch:

Dude, the "super hardcore to the mega beef and pork extravaganza" top ramen has no meat. It's just brown salt.

Gotta watch it, though. There are some expensive ass ramens out there now. It's all in the marketing. Three bucks for "vegetarian tongu" flavored ramen and shit. Jokes on people who pay for it: those of us in the know know "tongu" means "brown salt."

Feminina:

"Mmmm, salt...and look, it's brown!"

Those fancy salt people are kind of weird. I also love how the advertising will totally contradict itself, like "this salt is exceptionally pure...colored by local minerals that make it an enchanting pink..."

I mean, is it pure salt, or does it have non-salt minerals in it? Or does the word 'pure' have no real food-based meaning? (Yes, I know, it's that one.)

I keep seeing these ads for high-protein ramen. "A complete body-builder's meal in a bowl! $8 a pack!" Or whatever.

And man...I don't really need my noodles to have protein, OK? That's why I have the hard boiled egg. I bet protein-packed noodles are weird.

All this low-carb nonsense. I like carbs. Carbs are fine. Lay some carbs on me.

Butch:

Hey....yeah....that is rather illogical.

I also love how the salt people like to loop in techniques that matter to other foods and link them to salt. Someone once gave me this thing that was a little kit with this bigass lump of salt, like, a fucking ROCK, with this little grinder that you were supposed to use to grate the ROCK I mean delicious, rare salt, as you needed it.

Now, I know enough about cooking to know that there are some things that actually are better if you grind them fresh. Coffee beans, for instance, or some sorts of spices. This is due to the fact that they have oils and other flavorings in their cell structures that are released upon grinding.

Salt, however, is a ROCK. There are no oils or flavorings or CELLS. Grinding a rock is just making a large rock into several small rocks.

I used it once to say I did. Not only could I not taste the difference, I couldn't taste it at all because you know how long it takes to hand shave enough of a motherfucking ROCK that you can taste it? Neither do I, because I gave up before I got to that point.

I suppose I shall never know what I am missing.

Dude, carbs are the fucking BEST.

We tried those high protein noodles once when Mrs. McP had some blood sugar issues when she was pregnant. If you think they sound unnatural and wrong, let's just say your whole digestive system, from your taste buds right on down, couldn't agree more.

Feminina:

And I bet the worst part was, you couldn't grind enough delicious rare salt to try to cover up the weird flavor before it got cold and congealed into an even-more-inedible lump.

Mmm...fresh-ground rock...that would go great on this half-rotten Large Bass I've been carrying around in my bag for 6 weeks!

Butch:

I bet Vikings ground their own rocks.

DUDE I am so going fishing in this ACV add-on! Gotta be a few fish I missed.

Feminina:

They probably just pounded their food with the rocks until enough salt broke off on it.

All of which is to say, we're very excited about the Assassin's Creed: Valhalla DLC and will certainly be playing and talking about it soon. Very soon.

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