Don't Mess with the Cook

Feminina O'Ladybrain

Apr 24

Minor spoilers for the Cloakwood Mine bit of Baldur's Gate

Feminina:

I shall begin, because we fought those guys in the yard outside the mine again! Judicious use of fireballs and potions eventually wore them down. Explored, killed a few more guards around the place. Then, limping and bleeding and out of healing but afraid to try to camp in the yard outside the barracks, we proceeded into the mine, killed the first person we saw, and camped right inside the door instead.

I know, this doesn't make any sense. Nevertheless, it worked and no one bothered us!

Woke up, explored the first level of the mine. Talked to some guys about flooding it and learned we must proceed deeper to get a key, etc. etc. Found our way into the guards' living area by way of the kitchen, murdered the heck out of everyone in there, then took another nap. That unflappable cook is my favorite person in the entire game so far, just standing there patiently while battle rages all around and then, when we tried to talk, saying "I don't have time for this" -- I like to think she rolled her eyes and ignored us while we were sleeping 10 feet away among the scattered corpses of her co-workers.

And this is where we stand today. Among the scattered corpses, stealing some breakfast from a woman who doesn't give a rat's ass about anything or anyone, fears neither mortal nor demon, and probably, when the mine floods, will disappear in a splash of cooking oil.

Butch:

HA! Well, whatever works. Those dudes were assholes, weren't they?

WHO? I missed that! I found a secret door or two and wound up skirting around the middle bits of a couple levels of the mine. I probably should've looked around more, but you know me, if I find a secret door I'm going through it. It could say "Through this door lies the world of no tequila and doom" and I'm STILL all "Fuck it. SECRET DOOR AHOY!"

Cooks cannot be bothered.

But I guess I missed a bunch of dudes I could have slaughtered. I drowned them instead.

Oh, and I played, too.

Sold a bunch of stuff, indentified a bunch of stuff, sold stuff, handed stuff out to the party, as one does. Killed that greywolf guy, took his sword. Killed the bear, etc. Did the stuff you did. Except the sirens. Fuck them.

Then, decided to grab the bard cuz why not? Sketchy kidnappings are fun.

That said, did I remember where I LEFT the bard? No. No I did not.

Still looking for the bard.

As it is VINYL FRIDAY, I decided to work on Heart. Dreamboat Annie, 1976 first American pressing. It has a mushroom on the label. The 70s were a thing, weren't they?

He's a magic man.....

Feminina:

Are the secret doors the ones in purple? These people were through a purple door on the first level. Well, the BACK way was through a purple door, off a hallway with a couple of ghasts. The front way was behind a lightning trap that killed us all instantly because I don't have a thief with me right now.

Branwen is nice enough, but she doesn't really seem to have a story, so I should go back to the carnival and get Imoen again, but for now I'm thiefless.

This being the case I'm not sure how I'm detecting secret doors...maybe Kagain has a dwarf sense for them when they're underground. Anyway, this door purple opens into the kitchen with the utterly unimpressed cook, then there's some living area that was full of guard-types. A couple of them had names, but I didn't bother to learn them. Some magic arrows, but no amazing loot or anything either.

Then we absent-mindedly tried to leave by the front door and all died in the lightning trap again. We're not too bright sometimes.

I have no idea where I left the bard either. Probably somewhere in Cloakwood, but that doesn't help me very much or you at all.

Butch:

Who the hell is Kaigan?

Man, we're doing so much the same but so much differently....

Have you found a bunch of cells? Secret door there? Or is this a different secret door?

Dude, in the seventies, it was more than OK for a hard rock song to have a hard rock flute solo.

We gotta bring back flute solos, man.

I think a seventh level bard song should be "epic flute solo."

Feminina:

Epic flute solo! For the win!

Kagain is the dwarf from that store in Beregost. He's a decent fighter, and I'd left him in the Friendly Arm, so when Dorn refused to hang out with us because we're too goody-goody and not cool anymore, I grabbed him. He's not exactly saintly himself (one of his repeated lines is "you do-gooders make me want to vomit"), but he's not above (or below) being seen with us.

Cells...no. We found a bunch of rooms full of boxes (none of which seemed to have anything in them), but I wouldn't call them cells.

Butch:

Ah. Was there....a secret door near those?

Oh, right, that guy. I never did pick him up. I was doing other shit at the time.

I'm kinda into my party as it is. That is, until I find the bard and kick this dwarf to the curb.

How are you doing shit without a thief? So many locked chests......

Feminina:

I know, I keep running into the locked chests. And yet Imoen is so far away...

I think there was a secret door? Maybe? We kind of headed off down one hallway and ended up in a full-scale fight for our lives, as one does, so we haven't completely explored the level. We'll be going back that way in order to avoid the lightning trap, so I'll be sure to keep an eye out for cells. Or whatever.

Butch:

So much good stuff in locked chests, dude. SO MUCH STUFF.

Go get Imoen.

Feminina:

Siiiiiiigh...yeah...but then you spend so much time getting waylaid by ettercaps on the way back...

Butch:

True. Still, she ain't bad with a bow, and, now that I gave her that longsword I took off of that mercenary, she doesn't suck.

I've also gotten Neera down to AC 2! Yay!

Feminina:

She never sucked! Imoen is my girl! She just is my girl who can hang out at the carnival while I see if this new person has any story to follow up on.

It would be pretty funny to go back and dump Branwen there again. "Hey dude who had this statue as a sideshow novelty, why don't you chat with the woman whose soul it imprisoned?"

Butch:

HA!

"Hey, look at it this way, Bramwen, I'm sure it was really annoying that you wanted to play all those carnival games but couldn't. Now you can! Here's ten gold. Go win a big stuffed bear. See ya later."

Feminina:

I would so pay off my companions if it meant they'd actually come when I wanted them later, instead of making me hunt them down.

"Look, I'll give you a 200-gold retainer, and you agree to come when I need you, all right?"

Butch:

Dude that would be so worth it.

Especially as I have crossed the threshold that every RPG has, that transition from "I am always broke" to "I have more money than I know what to do with."

Although, I amend that. I do know what to do with it. I want to buy elixirs of health, health potions, anything. Both the temple in the Friendly Arms and the one in Nashkel seem to be fresh out. Don't they replenish? I was hoping they'd replenish.

I have money here, people!

Feminina:

I know! They run out of potions and apparently I'm cut off! Even though I'm now swimming in money.

"Sorry ma'am, you're on a watch list for potion-seeking behavior. We can't give you anymore."

I need to try the place in Gullykin. I don't think they were out last time I was there.

No one in Candlekeep had potions, did they? I didn't have any money when I was there last, so I might not have noticed, but I don't remember anyone having them.

Butch:

Oh right! Gullykin! Better check there.

Wait, you've been back to Candlekeep? I haven't been back to Candlekeep. Why'd you go back to Candlekeep?

Feminina:

Oh lord no, I haven't been back to Candlekeep. By "when I was there last" I meant "at the beginning of the game."

"When I was there" period, would have been more accurate, it's true.

But Gullykin, they're worth checking out. They had the good stuff.

And may not have cut us off yet.

Butch:

Going in, hands shaking all "C'mon, man! One hit! After all I did for you with those kobolds? C'MON MAN!"

My wizard slayer who doesn't touch anything all "And this is why I don't drink potions."

Feminina:

"YOU DRINK HEALING POTIONS LIKE THE REST OF US so get off your HIGH HORSE MISTER hey I wish I had a horse PLEASE I NEED SOME POTIONS"

Butch:

Me: I do not drink potions I only drink elixirs, for I do not care for wizards.

Them: Dude, you're fucking a wizard.

Me: I am romantically involved with a wild mage.

Them: Same difference.

Me: And let me tell you, she is wild.

Them: Please stop talking.

Dude, I was so mad because there were horses RIGHT THERE outside the mine and we just walked right past them.

Feminina:

Me: At least you're not trying to drink a poultice.

I know! Horses! RIGHT THERE. No option to do anything with them.

Butch:

I should have hit them with a fireball out of spite.

Jaheira wouldn't have liked that.

Feminina:

Ha!

You would have regretted it later, too, when you reached for that wand and it was out of charges.

Butch:

So would've been worth it.

Feminina:

Yeah, I'm going to be sad when mine runs out, but I'm not sorry I used it when I did. Not a single one of the three blasts I used on those jerks outside the barracks was wasted. Nor was the blast from the frost wand that I followed up with.

Worth. It.

Butch:

I do love those things.

Save that frost wand, though. Trust me.

Feminina:

I don't trust anyone who thinks he's too good to chug a few potions with the rest of us. But I'll consider it.

Butch:

Hey man, my character is not me. LORD knows my character is not me.

I will chug all sorts of things.

We do have the same tastes in emotionally vulnerable possibly evil cute mages. That I admit.

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