What really hurts my sense of hope is how little I understand how normal people feel.
They seek each other out. Movie theaters, music concerts, sporting events, raves, dance clubs, crowded beaches. Like humans just really want to be close to other humans. To have people around them. To be part of some shared experience.
Lately, I've been making an effort to interact with people. Go outside, smoke some weed in an area where others are smoking. Have regular chats with neighbors, get to know their names and their lives. And it is entirely unpleasant.
People LIKE those interactions. They all know each other, they all interact with one another this way regularly. I may be a bit awkward at it, but I really don't enjoy anything about being in the company of others.
I tried therapy briefly, they said I may have autism and I definitely have depression.
Spectrum disorder is weird in that it's so varied its meaningless. So many possible symptoms, one or all of them in varying degrees and combinations that are virtually unique to the individual. It almost seems like it's just a sciencey way of saying a person is weird. But the worst part about it is that there is no solution. Obviously not in the sense of a "cure" since it's not really an illness. You can't cure a personality, that's getting into some nazi shit. But there's no real way to manage it either. Suggestions include stuff like "hang out with other autistic people" or "shut up and get a job and just live a sad, pointless existence alone" or "take drugs to numb your discontent." That's why I can't be bothered to seek out a proper diagnosis, it doesn't seem to matter either way. All you get is a "aren't you glad you now KNOW that you're weird?"
Anyway, I figure it's possible to blame that for my disconnect from people. Of course then there's a lifelong history of unpleasant interactions with no rewarding interactions that makes trying even more bleak. Were my interactions unpleasant because they were sabotaged by a disorder, or does the disorder make interactions unpleasant from the get-go? Does it even matter?
At the end of the day the result is the same, disorder or no. I don't like interacting with people, but I'm also soul-crushingly lonely.
Maybe I need a very specific kind of person. One that likely doesn't even exist, or certainly wouldn't be interested in me.
Oh well. At least I have depression to help me not care.
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